Thursday, December 29, 2011

One Month Report-Month 1

I have made it a month, and that is saying something! 
ha ha
Here are my photos...
{sorry they are bad, when I do the timer it tends not to focus right cause I am not looking through it (obviously)}

Here are some other shots of me as well....



 No HUGE changes 

But little by little right?

9 lbs down, about 3 inches lost

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

A little update

Well all...I have lost 9 lbs!
 Wooo hooo!

 If I can magically lose 1 lb by tomorrow I will have lost 10 in a month which is encouraging to say the least.

Now, I know when you start out at a bigger weight the first bit comes off more easily, and lots of it is water weight, but I also don't want to minimize completely the fact that those 9 lbs are gone!

The further away from 200 I get, the better, right?

Also I did win the ebay auction and got all the plans that I was wanting! I am still so excited about this and it should help a lot. I am waiting till we get paid again to do a big shop to get all the items I will need so will start on that on Monday, hopefully! It worked for me last time, so I think that give me confidence in it as well.

Tomorrow is the one month mark and I will take my measurements and photos to update:)
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Friday, December 23, 2011

Looking back...

So I was looking back at my old weight loss blog, which is now depressing to me because of how much it is riddled with failure, but I found an old post...I will share it here. It is near the same time of year which I found interesting and my gross "before" pics I would about die for now. Hindsight 20/20!

Here it is.....

the last day of the year…

Happy New Years Eve…
I feel ok this morning, my weight is back up to 170..thats ok, it does fluctuate from day to day…and last night my mother-in-law brought pizza over. As I didn’t want to be rude and had not eaten since my workout I was starving and ate two slices. After they left I was still so hungry and I ate some weight control oatmeal.
Yesterday I didn’t eat tons of horrible things but I felt like as I was looking at my food journal that it was quite a bit. Today I am going to the store which should help a lot, stock up on all the good things I need.
I did get to the gym yesterday and did 45 min on the eliptical and 6 leg machines with 3 sets of ten this time. They are sore this morning. I am going to search for my Pure Weightloss food diary this morning to try and get all the things  I need and remember all the options I had when I was doing so well. I never felt very hungry when I was on that, I actually felt like I had to fit some things in we shall see.
To my shock I am putting up these beforepictures. When I am reading other people’s weightloss stories I am so interested in seeing the pictures…so these are for me and anyone who may follow this as a visual update as well. I will try and put more up at the end of January to see what the progress has been. I am also going to add a photo from last Christmas to show where I want to be once again, how annoying…
here we go…

My current measurements are:
Chest: 37″/ Waist: 35″/ Hips: 42″/ Rt Thigh: 25″/ Lft Thigh: 24″/ Right bicep: 13″/ Left bicep: 12.5″
I also found my measurements from when I started on Pure Weightloss they were:
Aug 31 2007:
Bust: 37.5″/ waist: 32″/ Hips: 45″/ Left Thigh 22″
its interesting, either I measure wrong of I am just proportionally changed, which is possible. During that time I was doing lots of “yogalates” which I noticed change my body a lot. Also these other stats were taken by someone else, so who knows? 
I also found some of the food menu plan kits from then and the start up lists, so it will help me shop at least…
Its New Years Eve, Daniel and I don’t really have plans, just may go over to my parents..will let you know how it goes.

Interesting my thoughts, pics and measurements. I am glad I have a record of it in some ways because I tend to forget easily. I also took pics of my food from Pure Weight Loss which I am also going to try and re-incorporate in my diet.

The basic premise is this:

3 Vegetables
3 Fruits
1 Dairy
1 Fat
2 Proteins
2 Starches
2 bars (which I am going to use Fiber One bars in exchange because they were the companies bars)
64 oz of water a day (approx. 4 water bottles a day)
Here are those pics:


I am so excited right now as I found an auction on ebay for all the plans and guides for $13.50! This will help so much!! They still have a website I found too but their plans and items are sooooooo expensive! I will let you know if I win:)

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Little Victories

Yesterday was a "kick butt" day for me! {In a good way}

My sister-in-law was sick so I went over to their place to help with her kiddos.
I did an unbelievable feat, that was I decided to take the all the kids for a walk. Her two and my son. 
Their ages? 3, 2, and 1. WHEW!

I walked with them for over a mile, the 2 older ones in the wagon and the little girl (the LIGHTEST) I carried nearly the whole way. Let's just say my arms hurt major today, I couldn't remember why at first...ohhhh yea!

I was wiped for the rest of the day and my husband got off early and came and got us in the afternoon. I got another surge of motivation and energy so decided to go to 2 of the workout classes our apartments offer. So I went to my first step class in a long while, and went to my usual Pilates class. It was hard to wake up this morning no doubt.

I am coming on my one month of trying to lose this awful weight. Well, it's weight I used as comfort through food but I am just ready for it to go. 
I just keep this in mind:
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This morning I weighed and measured. I just feel smaller, so I really wanted to.

So far I have lost 6lbs and 4.5 or so inches, yeah!! 
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Once I lose a little bit more I will give you all the gory details and not feel so horrible about myself, even if it is the truth. And the monthly progression pictures will happen this coming Tuesday.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Uphill battle

So today was ok....
I have to say I did eat 3 pieces of pizza for dinner and then headed straight to the gym after wards to jog for 45 min...a 5k.
I signed up for Spark People last night so I can keep track of my meals and exercise. When you see the calories you are supposed to be eating all day and then how little things add up and put you right on over the limit its a reality check.
I have an addiction to eating, and really eating when I am bored and eating the wrong things. Sometimes the urge is so strong I have to ask the Lord to really help me not eat.
My mind really needs some help. 
I am trying to look for as much inspiration as I can to get my mind in the right place.
I share a few for you here....
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Sunday, December 18, 2011

Before Photos

For now this is my reality....

Looking forward to these being way in the past!

It's all in your mind: how we think results in the pounds we wear

I have always believed in the power of your thoughts. I remember times when I thought I was getting sick and I did, and I remember my mom telling me not to think about getting sick and we barely ever did when we kept our minds off of it. I also know people who are extreme germ-a-phopes and they are always thinking about how unclean things are, these people are ALWAYS sick.

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I think there is something to be said about where we let our minds rest for sure. I even got into "the Secret" for a minute, and as strange a philosophy as it might be, I do think there is something to be said about the power of our minds resting places. Those things we think on the most many times do come into our lives. We become self-fulfilling prophets sometimes. Whether its assuming no one will like you in a certain situation, so when they ignore you, you can be right. What you might not notice is how cold and off putting you are being, making people nervous to approach you. It's because the outcome is already done and dusted in your mind.

For so long I have struggled with this weight thing. I was trying to control it with diets, will power, strength, etc. But I never considered that my body was not the one that was the problem. My body does not willy nilly go rifling through the cabinets or fridge and eat things, my mind is the one who is telling it to do so. My body doesn't refuse to get off the couch, my mind has all sorts of excuses why it should stay put.

I am not a stupid person, neither are you, most likely;) So why is it that we can be successful in other areas of our lives, enjoy them, thrive in them and yet prone to give up on our bodies as if we have already decided it can't be done. This is an endless cycle. And although we may have endless issues in our lives that may have contributed to our issues with weight we have to stop and take a look at what is actually going on in our minds. What do we let live in there?

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This is my new journey. Many of you know that I am coming out of a season of depression if you are coming over from EisyMorgan, and many of you know that I have a relationship with the Lord. I don't think I can make this with out Him and I have been pushing Him away for far too long. The festering disease that I have been letting sit in my mind has been allowed to take up residency there for far too long. 

You see, He says that He has come to bring those that sit in darkness into light, to set the captives free, and this includes ME! Thank goodness. I know some things we have to conquor together, we have to walk step by step, and most of all He has to renew my mind.

I have finally come to realize I have an issue, ad addiction, it's name is food. This addiction is no prettier, albeit socially acceptable, than alcoholism or drug addiction. And people with these addictions, they have to go to meetings, they have to have support, they have to take it one day at a time, they can't have a bottle of gin and think they are going to be ok, they know their limitations and their weaknesses. What is it? Isn't the first step admitting you have a problem? Well I do, it's overeating, it's using food to comfort me...not just when I am sad, but when I am stressed out, when I am happy, and most of all when I have no control. Other times its just there, a faithful friend.
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I have to win this battle, I do not want to be a victim of my own mind and weakness forever. I don't want to be weak, I want to be strong in the Lord. I want to be who I am.

Today I was struggling, I am not sure why? I have had yummy sweets sitting in my house ever since my Christmas party last weekend and have decided not to eat them. My idea was that I was going to be really strict with myself throughout the week and then be a little more leinient on the weekends. I don't think this was such a great idea...but none-the-less, there it is. 

So being an eater of convenience and tired of my light soups I was eating on some mini quiches I made last night for my son and husband, which led to my deep deep need for chocolate. At first all I ate was a Fiber One brownie, which was good, but was not satisfying me like those Reese's Peanut butter cups I knew were sitting in the gift bags on my table. So I went over, while oddly enough trying to peruse Pinterest for some weight loss inspiration and ate them.

You see, my inner rebel doesn't want to have to give up anything. I don't want to be a slave to my eating regimen, I want to be able to enjoy life and sometimes that includes chocolate! But all I could think of was the quote I saw on Pinterest that says something to the effect that for eating one M&M you would have to walk an entire football field to burn it off...
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So I laced up my running shoes and took off for a jog around our lake at the apartments we live at. I blasted Chis Tomlin in my ear buds and decided it was a much better sound than my ugly heavy girl jogging breathing!  I know it is common for bloggers to choose a word for their new year in regards to what they want to focus on. In the book I have just finished, "Made to Crave", the author tells how every time she wanted to eat something she shouldn't she would ask the Lord to unsettle her. Unsettle was her word, in other words, don't let her settle for what has kept her where she was.

Well, as I was running around that lake I was listening to his song, "Awakening" and I decided that this is what I want my word to be for 2012. Awakening! "For the world you love, awake my soul, awake my soul and sing....Like the rising sun that shines, from the darkness comes a light, I hear your voice and this is my...awakening." As I ran on this warm 63 degree day with the sun shining off the lake and snow around it I had a hard time running, because my soul wants to come out of the darkness. It is tired of being less than what it was created for.
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Awakening. That I will be awake for what it is I am hear on earth to do, that I would be awake to the fact that every choice is permissible, but not always beneficial. To the Lord and the great and mighty things He wants to do in and through a near 200lb wife and mom, not be my might, but His. This is my awakening. I am asking Him to renew my mind in all areas,but especially about food. I AM made for more than that. I am the one that makes the choices, because you see, just like the future alcoholic see's drinking as a good time or stress relief, our enemy knows its a luring trap into self destruction and self hatred once something harmless becomes chains for us to drag around and be ashamed of. For me, and my food addiction, I wear my chains and display my life choices on my body. My thoughts of worthlessness and rebellion and giving into my angry addiction to calm my wounded heart have only made me more sad, more stuck, more of the one sitting in the darkness, more captive. Thank goodness Jesus will not leave me there. One food choice at a time, with Him.
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I have never been one for New Years resolutions, to be honest, I think it is because I am scared to fail...but this year I want to resolve to let God renew my mind completely, one ugly craving, withdrawl, and lazy battling moment after the other until I am free. 

Reading Lysa TerKeurst's book, Made to Crave, has opened my eyes to what God wants me to do with this. I highly recommend reading it and I will write about it more soon.

PS : on my run today, I did over 4 miles without knowing it. Awake my soul!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

My Struggle with Weight

Ok, so here is the thing....
I know usually people wait until January 1st to start all this, but for some reason things have started to click for me and let's be really honest, I did not really want to wait until all the Christmas feasting has passed so I could start at a whopping 220 or some such non-sense. For some reason after Thanksgiving felt like the new year to me because so much had changed, so I started...November 27th.

I wanted to start a separate weight loss blog because I know its not everyone's issue. To date I have yet to tell anyone about this, but when I do, I figure those of us who do struggle with this can follow here and not have to be subject to it on my regular blog daily. {Even though I think no matter what size we are, we all think about it and know the importance of it}

I have struggled with being overweight my whole life. I was always the "chubby" girl and I think I went on my first diet when I was 10 or 12, I don't remember. I recall my mom telling me I had baby fat and I could get rid of it easily, all I knew was that I didn't feel like I ever fit in with the small girls, and no guy would ever like me because of it.

When I look at these pictures now I think, what??? You looked great! But at the time when all my friends were at least 3 sizes smaller than me it was hard. Cheer leading did help a lot and I was in great shape during that time, but you know, I wasn't a flyer and we all knew why.

Throughout high school and after I always knew this was something I didn't like about myself but I never let it really control everything about me. It was there, but whatever. I had grandiose dreams of losing a bunch of weight over a summer and coming back and shocking everyone and hoping this would steer the attention of guys my way. This never happened, that desire was never strong enough and I mustn't have seen it as that big of an issue.

In 2002  I moved to Northern Ireland for 6 months and I don't remember food being an issue there, but again, I wasn't aware of things. I do remember feeling very frumpy and not loving how I looked in my clothes however. There was also one girl while we were there who lost a bunch of weight and I remember being so envious of how beautiful she looked. I was always the "pretty faced" girl. {be it chubby at that}

In 2004 I moved back to Northern Ireland for three years, or there abouts. This time I was very aware of how much I was eating. I was getting older and as many called it "husband hunting" and knew I rooted my lack of any kind in my weight. Still this changed little. For all my good intentions or great ideas we ate "gravy chips and sweet chilli chicken Chinese dishes" several times a week.

I remember my first year there, my friend Brittany (pictured above) and I, went on a cleanse and we did really well with it. This was the first time ever that I started running. I would go down to the loop in the little village of Moira and run around that thing and listen to my music. Gave myself some nice shin splints as I remember, but I remember feeling better for doing that.

All in all I came home from that trip my heaviest at the time, which I believe was 172 if I remember.

Immediately my mom and I joined a gym and we were back to working out on the regular.

The next time I really remember was after my grandparents died and my mom and I joined "Pure Weight Loss". I remember the night we went in, joined, and then hurried to get some Panda Express as our last meal.
What I remember about the program was that it worked. We weighed in twice a week and I lost 20lbs in the first 2 months I believe it was. I was so busy in my life during that time I don't think I realized what an amazing feat this truly was.

This was when I was at my lowest as an adult

Oddly enough this was right around the time people started suggesting my now husband to me! The lowest I ever remember being was 150.
{At this time right when I was getting so close to my goal weight Pure Weight Loss went under! For some reason I just threw in the towel, thought I couldn't do it without them, and my life got super busy and HAPPY as well}

My friends wedding was when my husband and I had been dating for about three months and he first told me he loved me. These are from that time...I had gained about 10 lbs.

So, I was happy. I had found the man that I knew I would marry and it all happened so fast. The weight slowly starting creeping back up. We were now engaged and I wanted to lose weight for the wedding, but that never happened. I was probably at least another 5lbs heavier when we got married.

Time went on and we were loving life and going out, a lot! I remember feeling ok about my body, he sure wasn't complaining, but 4 months into our marriage I got pregnant. I was 170, I remember so clearly.

This was when everything changed for me. I knew I had no control any more so I didn't even try. I ate whatever I wanted and I felt enormous, ugly, and my spirit really broke during this time. I felt like I was an embarrassment to my mom, and to my in-laws. Even when someone is pregnant, they are still a person, they still have feelings, they still have to live in the body they currently inhabit. I was in a state of pure devastation.

Before going in to have my son, probably in this photo, I weighed 226 lbs.

I immediately joined Weight Watchers, I had something to prove to all the haters. And I started working my BUTT off.
Right before we moved to Colorado I was seriously 5 lbs away from being at pre-baby weight, 5! I had started running and had finished 13.1 miles, an unofficial half marathon, I was sooo close. And then I gave up.

We moved and my world seemed to crash all around me. My issues that I was pushing aside were now sitting in front of my lonely, no friends or family face, taunting and mocking me. I joined WW again, then quit, then joined again, then stopped going.

My internal dialog was slowly eating away at my heart, my self esteem, my worth in the world. I began to think I could never be successful so why even try and I really gave in.

Gave in to my current point of back to 200 lbs, that's a lot of intentional eating to gain 25lbs in a year!

And this is where we start.

I have a new point of view now, and I am going to write another post about Why I'm Fat.

Here is to change, you are not alone.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Ready Set Go...Again

I decided to start a weight loss blog, I have been so inspired by others and although I have tried this before I am going to try again. I want to be held accountable when it comes to all this, to myself most of all.
So this is my journey, and I am going to do it this time.

I realize that people read weight loss blogs in order to be inspired to lose a bunch of weight themselves. I am at the beginning of this journey, but I have to start somewhere.

Today, December 12, I have already lost 5 lbs. That is not much and in order to reach my first real goal I have another 45 to go!

This is what I looked like at that weight about 3.5 years ago....

Basically I know I will have some junk in my trunk, and I am not trying to be a super model. Mostly, I just want to feel good in my own skin. My hips were so small, but I remember not feeling I had reached my goal yet. 

So, one step at a time. I think if I can stay on track I think I can reach my goal by summer...and this is what this blog is here to help me to do!

A couple weeks ago I was dreading weighing myself. I knew I was throwing caution to the wind, I was doing it rather on purpose. We went on a cruise, it was Thanksgiving, I don't want to be loved for eating almonds rather than my own big dessert. It was revenge, and I could feel it taking it's revenge on my body. Nothing fit well, I felt....gross.

So I decided it was time to face the scale. I was already mentally preparing myself for the worst, and it was true. That night I saw the numbers 2-0-0. 200!

It was shocking and yet it wasn't. I had known what I was doing. I had been struggling with depression and food was my best friend. It made me feel better instantly, it was my first thought for escaping my thoughts that life was not worth living. My thoughts were along the lines of...."well if life is not worth living anyways, if no one cares, then this makes me feel better, and I may as well give people a real tangible reason to be repulsed by me." My thoughts were stuck in a toilet bowl swirling around and full of crap!

I am going to write more of my story of weight at a later date...but for now...I am starting, again.

I am trying to look at this differently this time. I have to want it more than I want brownies, peppermint bark, gummy worms and the like that is sitting in my house right now. I have to believe that I am made for more than this. I have to start seeing myself differently. I have to let the Lord renew my mind. I have to see it as an alcoholic sees that liquor. I will have with drawls, it will be hard, but I will kill myself, and hurt my family and be way unhappy if I am not willing to fight my drug of choice. 

So this was me.....
November 29 2011

Here is to changing my mind so my body will follow!