Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Anger of Addiction

Let's be honest.
If you have struggled with your weight for a long time like I have, it just makes us angry!
Angry that we couldn't struggle with something else {like ANYTHING else} in a world that defines beauty by being thin.
Angry that we should have to CARE AT ALL.
Angry that it is not easier.
Angry that people don't understand.
Angry that we can't figure out why it's not an issue for some people and IS an issue for us.
Angry that we continually fail.
Angry that other people SUCCEED!

Angry, Angry, Angry.

Let me tell you, I know it was my anger towards all of this that led me to gain 25 lbs last year.

I was mad that at the fact that I felt like I had to "look a certain way" in order to be loved and accepted. I wanted to be loved and accepted for who I was. I wanted to be valued for my heart, not my body. I still do. Nothing has changed about that. Those things should always be greater than my physical appearance. But I don't think this was/is really the issue at all.

I have realized loud and clear that I wasn't angry in general, or at the situation, but I was angry at myself. I was angry that I couldn't just get my crap together, that I couldn't just keep my mouth shut to burgers and fries, I was angry that I was a CONTINUAL failure.
Pinned Image

I think this can be the case with ANY addiction. Feeling trapped by our choices, feeling JUDGED by our choices, and then giving the world the figurative bird and returning to that same addiction we know we are trapped by.

Perhaps this is why they say the first step is to admit you have a problem. The thing with food is, if you have a problem, it's pretty dang obvious. This is what I mean about wanting to struggle with ANYTHING else, you know the things that you can HIDE! But we have most likely seen the pin about "What you eat in secret, you wear in public" and it's true.

This is why I have a hard time with folks leading the way to addiction recovery when they themselves have NO CLUE what it feels like and is like to be addicted.

OK we have all seen the "intervention" shows, and I think any I have ever watched the people that lead them are in fact ex-addicts. They have been there, they know HOW HARD IT IS, they can empathize as well as sympathize with the person they are trying to help.

Often times trainers or nutritionists that you find in the "weight loss world" have never been over weight in their lives, they have no idea how to deal with someone who has an addiction to food. We, the over weight, are scared to talk to them, to go the gym with these intimidating figures with their muscles bulging talking about, PUKE but DON'T STOP! I can do that, sure, but what about the REASONS I turned to food in the first place. THe minute we feel like failures with these people who don't get it, we run away, and we get ANGRY again! Usually we punish them by eating the worst junk we can think of as if to say, "if you can't love me like this then {enter your choice words here}". 

{Maybe this is just more my story then most people's}

This is why I would love to be a part of a gym or nutritional community started by one of the Biggest Loser contestants, they get the pain, the hurt, the reasons and what it means to succeed to be free.

Now, naturally athletic, thin people are not the ENEMY. But it's just hard for someone who has never struggled with the mind games that we play with ourselves to not judge when we can't seem to just FIX IT.
 I know some who think all fat people are lazy, there is no compassion to the internal struggle.

The truth of the matter is that our anger lies inside us and how we talk to ourselves about ourselves. What we believe our worth or capabilities are. We just think we are taking it out on them, but all the while we get bigger, consoling ourselves with our best friend.... food.

 It's always there to make us feel better,
 those other people are only there if they approve of our bodies, our lifestyle.

I have realized how much my mind has WAY more to do with this than any other aspect. I need to constantly keep my mind in check. If you follow me on PINTEREST you know my slight obsession with the fitness pins {sorry for possible overload} but I am literally trying to retrain my brain. 

Instead of
 "I can't do that"
 "I don't belong there"
 "It's impossible" 

I am trying to think
 "I can"
 "Why not me" 
"I am an athlete".

Pinned Image
I am asking the Lord to renew my mind, it has to start there. I have to think on what is true. And although it is true that I have been a quitter in the past, it doesn't mean that I have to be defined by that or that this is how God see's me. Letting Him show me how He see's me. Like when He sent the angel to Gabriel who was HIDING in the baggage room and said "The Lord is with you MIGHTY WARRIOR." Mighty warrior???? He must have thought, "he must be looking for someone else" but God see's us as who He has created us to be, not who we currently might be acting like.

The truth is, we know deep inside we HAVE it in us to succeed and be
 "more than conquerors". 
And maybe this is what makes us most angry of all, we know we are
 "made for more".

I highly recommend the book "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst. 
At first when I read this book, I was still in a really funky place. I wasn't sure I wanted to read it, what it would say, if it would be cheesy, etc. Then I got excited about maybe she would tell me I was made to crave to follow those feelings and eat what you crave. 

It was none of those things, 
but as I read through it {and underlined 90% of it} 
I began to realize and see that my issue is less with anyone else, less with food, and mostly within me. 

If we are always treating the symptoms but never the virus we may feel better for a little while, but we never heal completely. It is only a temporary fix.

Pinned Image

I don't know about you, but I am tired of being angry and mad at a situation that with the help of the Lord, can be changed. 

He came to set me free, and free I intend to be!


  1. beautiful post! I've always {secretly} wanted to be able to call myself an "athlete". Maybe someday!! ;)

  2. I love this post. It is so true that people who have never struggled with this will never quite understand. I am naturally a bigger girl, and junk food has made it worse...but I can go to the gym & work ten times harder than some of the super skinny girls. It has nothing to do with laziness. I have been a compulsive eater, ever since I can remember...and it's a day to day struggle with reminding myself why I'm doing this, and that I can succeed. I feel ya girl. Thanks for this post!