Thursday, December 15, 2011

My Struggle with Weight

Ok, so here is the thing....
I know usually people wait until January 1st to start all this, but for some reason things have started to click for me and let's be really honest, I did not really want to wait until all the Christmas feasting has passed so I could start at a whopping 220 or some such non-sense. For some reason after Thanksgiving felt like the new year to me because so much had changed, so I started...November 27th.

I wanted to start a separate weight loss blog because I know its not everyone's issue. To date I have yet to tell anyone about this, but when I do, I figure those of us who do struggle with this can follow here and not have to be subject to it on my regular blog daily. {Even though I think no matter what size we are, we all think about it and know the importance of it}

I have struggled with being overweight my whole life. I was always the "chubby" girl and I think I went on my first diet when I was 10 or 12, I don't remember. I recall my mom telling me I had baby fat and I could get rid of it easily, all I knew was that I didn't feel like I ever fit in with the small girls, and no guy would ever like me because of it.

When I look at these pictures now I think, what??? You looked great! But at the time when all my friends were at least 3 sizes smaller than me it was hard. Cheer leading did help a lot and I was in great shape during that time, but you know, I wasn't a flyer and we all knew why.

Throughout high school and after I always knew this was something I didn't like about myself but I never let it really control everything about me. It was there, but whatever. I had grandiose dreams of losing a bunch of weight over a summer and coming back and shocking everyone and hoping this would steer the attention of guys my way. This never happened, that desire was never strong enough and I mustn't have seen it as that big of an issue.

In 2002  I moved to Northern Ireland for 6 months and I don't remember food being an issue there, but again, I wasn't aware of things. I do remember feeling very frumpy and not loving how I looked in my clothes however. There was also one girl while we were there who lost a bunch of weight and I remember being so envious of how beautiful she looked. I was always the "pretty faced" girl. {be it chubby at that}

In 2004 I moved back to Northern Ireland for three years, or there abouts. This time I was very aware of how much I was eating. I was getting older and as many called it "husband hunting" and knew I rooted my lack of any kind in my weight. Still this changed little. For all my good intentions or great ideas we ate "gravy chips and sweet chilli chicken Chinese dishes" several times a week.

I remember my first year there, my friend Brittany (pictured above) and I, went on a cleanse and we did really well with it. This was the first time ever that I started running. I would go down to the loop in the little village of Moira and run around that thing and listen to my music. Gave myself some nice shin splints as I remember, but I remember feeling better for doing that.

All in all I came home from that trip my heaviest at the time, which I believe was 172 if I remember.

Immediately my mom and I joined a gym and we were back to working out on the regular.

The next time I really remember was after my grandparents died and my mom and I joined "Pure Weight Loss". I remember the night we went in, joined, and then hurried to get some Panda Express as our last meal.
What I remember about the program was that it worked. We weighed in twice a week and I lost 20lbs in the first 2 months I believe it was. I was so busy in my life during that time I don't think I realized what an amazing feat this truly was.

This was when I was at my lowest as an adult

Oddly enough this was right around the time people started suggesting my now husband to me! The lowest I ever remember being was 150.
{At this time right when I was getting so close to my goal weight Pure Weight Loss went under! For some reason I just threw in the towel, thought I couldn't do it without them, and my life got super busy and HAPPY as well}

My friends wedding was when my husband and I had been dating for about three months and he first told me he loved me. These are from that time...I had gained about 10 lbs.

So, I was happy. I had found the man that I knew I would marry and it all happened so fast. The weight slowly starting creeping back up. We were now engaged and I wanted to lose weight for the wedding, but that never happened. I was probably at least another 5lbs heavier when we got married.

Time went on and we were loving life and going out, a lot! I remember feeling ok about my body, he sure wasn't complaining, but 4 months into our marriage I got pregnant. I was 170, I remember so clearly.

This was when everything changed for me. I knew I had no control any more so I didn't even try. I ate whatever I wanted and I felt enormous, ugly, and my spirit really broke during this time. I felt like I was an embarrassment to my mom, and to my in-laws. Even when someone is pregnant, they are still a person, they still have feelings, they still have to live in the body they currently inhabit. I was in a state of pure devastation.

Before going in to have my son, probably in this photo, I weighed 226 lbs.

I immediately joined Weight Watchers, I had something to prove to all the haters. And I started working my BUTT off.
Right before we moved to Colorado I was seriously 5 lbs away from being at pre-baby weight, 5! I had started running and had finished 13.1 miles, an unofficial half marathon, I was sooo close. And then I gave up.

We moved and my world seemed to crash all around me. My issues that I was pushing aside were now sitting in front of my lonely, no friends or family face, taunting and mocking me. I joined WW again, then quit, then joined again, then stopped going.

My internal dialog was slowly eating away at my heart, my self esteem, my worth in the world. I began to think I could never be successful so why even try and I really gave in.

Gave in to my current point of back to 200 lbs, that's a lot of intentional eating to gain 25lbs in a year!

And this is where we start.

I have a new point of view now, and I am going to write another post about Why I'm Fat.

Here is to change, you are not alone.


  1. Love that you are so honest about your weight and the ups and downs. Cause we've ALL had them. :-) I couldn't quite bring myself to tell all of that on my introduction...way too self-conscious, I suppose. But our stories are SO similar! I was at my lowest when I met my husband, and then at my wedding I remember I kept hoping I would fit in the dress ok. Hahaha, can you imagine?? And then the weight has just kept on coming during my married life. I feel like I would've taken so many more pictures of us during these two years if I weren't so heavy, and that just makes me sad. Here's hoping we make this our year! :-)

  2. I love this post. It is so honest, and so true how it is really a constant struggle that you have to commit to. Here's to 2012 being our year to make that commitment to ourselves! You look gorgeous in all of these pictures by the way, especially your wedding pictures :)

  3. I agree with Kim, we've all had ups and downs. I just joined the Fit Club and found your blog! I'm here to support you!

  4. Thank you for sharing such a personal story, its very inspiring. Its definately more about WHY you eat rather than WHAT you eat. I have also joined fit club, so heres to a fit healthy 201211